I never thought about becoming a caregiver until I had to think about it. There were so many signs that something was really wrong with my mom. I was scared, really scared. If I only knew then what I know now, this sounds cliche, but it’s true. The knot in my stomach refused to lessen its grip. Emotionally, I was a mess.
In those early days after the diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, I read a lot of books about Alzheimer’s and Dementia and joined an in person support group, then an online group.
My mom became seriously ill with pneumonia and was hospitalized. The doctor called very early one morning and told me to come right away and expect the worst. She wasn’t ready though, she made it clear that she wasn’t going anywhere. Her resilience was truly inspiring, I was so proud of her.
Coming back home wasn’t an option, it wasn’t safe for her. She needed complex care that I couldn’t provide and with the doctor’s recommendation, and as a family, it was decided that she would be placed in LTC. We didn’t have a choice of facilities, the first available bed was where she went.
My family couldn’t be there in person due to our geographic locations being so far apart. They talked to my mom on the phone all the time and we talked every week. I am very grateful for their love and support.
The first few months were very tough, she wanted to go home, and I wanted to take her home. I made deals with her about staying for one week at the time. Her suitcase would be packed and beside her when I came to see her. One day while we were driving, she asked me where she lived, I told her it was where we had just been. She was visibly relieved. Eventually, she grew to love it there, and began to participate in activities and events. We spent time together, holding hands and watching tv, looking at family pictures, going out for lunch or shopping.
I was relieved that she was now physically safe, had access to doctors, nurses, and care aides. It was good for her to socialize.
Sadly, my mom passed away many years ago and is missed every day.
The Takeaway
Transitioning your loved one into Long Term Care is a rollercoaster of emotions. Happiness and relief that they are safe, worry and anxiety that you didn’t make the right choice for your loved one and yourself. Feeling guilty is normal, feeling overwhelmed is normal.
It’s also very important that you practice self care and reach out for support, talk to family and friends, give your loved one time to acclimate to their new surroundings, and give yourself time to adjust to the new normal. Most importantly, be kind to yourself.
In 2018 I started volunteering in a long term care facility attached to a local hospital. I was in the recreation department. On my first day, I was sent to visit a resident in his room. I came up behind him, he didn’t hear me and was startled. He took a huge swing at me and missed by a mile. He eventually became one of my favourite residents, I would hold his hand and dance with him at events, he had a great laugh.